Saturday, September 26, 2009

(Part 2/5) The Best Days Of My Afterlife

(Part 1/5) The Day I Died

Dated: The Day Of The Sermon 

Holy Shit. God is a Giant Tortoise!

Today was the first day of my afterlife, and God entered the stage, while we sat in anticipation. His size made it really hard for the organizers to carry him on to the stage, and he seemed pretty amused by this fact. Kept making inaudible jokes I couldn't hear from here, but most of them ended with a butt-slap as the punchline.

And then he spoke.

"Congratulations, Loodlings. You are in Heaven!

(Waits for Applause)

(Smacks a disappointed lip)

Impressive. But I should still warn you about a few things. You're in heaven, and you'll always be. You just jumped from the frying pan onto the kitchen floor. You'll feel liberated initially. As if you know higher dimensions to reality now, something more than just getting fried in the pan. You'll roam about the place excitedly, looking for secrets and hidden doors, spend time skating in the Sink, and in general feel jealous (of the very, very, much kind) of the terrorist lot. But once you've been through the negligible, exactly zero, percentage of your eternal afterlife here in Heaven, you'll soon realize: that the place is small, that all the hidden doors open into a wall (trust me, I made them), that the Sink is actually one-dimensional (and you were a douche to ever enjoy it in the first place), and that you can't get laid here. There are only 72 virgins we've got, and they're all reserved, sorry.

Infinities suck, and you have no idea because you didn't have to deal with them. Now you will, deal with an eternal afterlife I dare you. Your death is gone and done with, there is no escape anymore, and there is nothing even to escape from. Life's hard, but Afterlife's infinitely boring. I'll appreciate recreational ideas here to fill up this stupid infinite time, though there's really no point trying to do that of course, mathematically or otherwise. And then, your recreational ideas will all probably involve retarded ways to avoid the heat of the frying pan. Please don't bother me with them, or anything else at all. I created you guys so I could see retarded creatures jumping on a fuckin' hot frying pan and trying to make themselves feel life's good. But it's getting boring of late, I think I'll just increase the temperature a bit. Anyway I'm sure that'll be boring too, and I'll still be left with an infinity to spend.

Hmmm. I wonder what's the point of my existence. Sigh."


(Part 3/5) The Day I Sat Down And Wrote This
(Part 4/5) The Day God Had A Plan 
(Part 5/5) The Day I Got Frustrated With Death, The Universe And Everything

Saturday, September 19, 2009

(Part 1/5) The Best Days Of My Afterlife

Dated: The Day I Died

I think I'm still in transition, since I'm receiving email as well as all my porn feeds. But the amount of spam is increasing beyond belief, I guess more people want to enlarge stuff before landing in heaven for an eternity, and then again money isn't really such a dear thing anymore.

Though a few restrictions are already in place on us (yeah I've got friends moving with me here - a chronically sighing elephant, a depressingly maniacal bee, and a rather excited printer). Restrictions like, you can't say Hell, you'll have to replace it with Hall whenever you mean it. Though you can still type it, without getting slapped by the fat pink lady and getting muted for half an hour. Muted for real, mind you, like no voice comes out and shit. But its really not fair, since the printer's not getting slapped.

The fat pink lady (She is pink, mind you, not her dress) just announced that she thinks we're gonna land in another few moments of Time (she thinks), that she thinks will pass soon. If you ask me, I think we're already there and she's just fooling with us. Just hasn't got her fill of the slaps I suspect. She mentioned something like orientation or some programme and bullshit that's going to start once we get there. God will apparently come and lecture us newbie deads. And then there'll be a compulsory Art of Living workshop to attend, though I wonder what's the point of that now anyway. Traditions are just hard to break I guess.

Here comes she charging in from the door of light. You won't believe what she's got tattooed on the palms of her hands; "Talk to me." on the left one, and "Here I come!" on the right one. Very ironic, I would say. I think somebody said Hell or some shit, and is going to get a good long indifferent slapping now. What, why's she turning to me? Hell, why's she accelerating! What did I say I'm just typing away in peace, o' hel- (slap)

**** ** *** *




(Part 2/5) The Day Of The Sermon
(Part 3/5) The Day I Sat Down And Wrote This
(Part 4/5) The Day God Had A Plan 
(Part 5/5) The Day I Got Frustrated With Death, The Universe And Everything

Friday, September 11, 2009

A jump from the 33rd Floor

Floor    Brain
Roof     I Hate You All!
33        Finally
32        Wow
31        Whoa
30        This is fast
29        My ears!
28        Lets try some aerodynamic stunts
27        Is it working?
26        It hurts
25        This one?
24        Boring
23        There's my car, wow I can see it from here
22        Damn its taking too long
21        Hit me hit me hit me
20        Hit me hit me hit me hit me
19        this is pretty fast huh..
18        Will it hurt?
17        damn its too fast
16        why was i dying, again?
15        why was i
14        dying, again????
13        wait..
12        i can't recall!
11        what!
10        Why can't I
9        #$%#ing
8        recall!!
7        I
6        Want
5        To
4        Know
3        Why
2        I'm
1        DYING!!
0        Fuck.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

basically, peace maar


meri zindagi naraaz hai.
jabki sab isi ke kaaj hain

kabhi kehti hai kaho,
kabhi ye ki chup raho

kabhi bole ki chup kyu ho,
kabhi ye ki bas.. kyu ho

kabhi ye ke tu hai kaun,
kabhi puche bata main kaun.


keh pau agar chup ho,
sunne ko zara ruk to

ke main kavita hu tere man ki
aur tu syahi bhi kalam bhi

ke tujhpar hasi bhi aati hai
kabhi gussa aur sharam bhi

main kapde hu tere tan pe,
main dhabbe hu tere man ke

main joote tere pairon ke,
main vaade hu gairon ke

main parchhai main shehnai,
main naiyya main purvai

ab bas itni si hai arzi
ke anjaan bedardi

kadwahat hai to ho lazzat bhi,
ke badnaami ho, to izzat bhi

ke kab se saath hu tere main,
kab se kaaj hu kare main

kabse jeeta hai mujhko
kabse peeta hai mujhko

ke ghaav bhi deta hai
fir khud hi seeta hai mujhko

aa maan bhi ja ke roothe der ho chali
kahin roshni aag mein ekdum na jal bujhe

jal mand mand apne man ki chaal mein
samajhna kya hai, bas jeeta chal mujhe